remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
