i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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