I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
