We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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