remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
