put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
