Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
