No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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