Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
