Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
