he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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