I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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