I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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