i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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