It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
