I can't breathe out the right side of my face
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
