I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize