Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
