my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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