I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
