I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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