i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
