remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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