EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
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Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
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do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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