After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
