I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
