Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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