I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
