She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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