You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
