Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
