the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
