I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
