So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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