I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
