hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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