Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
