So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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