As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
