she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
