oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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