dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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