ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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