dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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