he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
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When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
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We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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