Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
