Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i came on her dog
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
