Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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