you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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