I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
