Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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