one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
