just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
