ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
