On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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