WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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