i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
