you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
