You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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