Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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